Mar 212014
 
Paperback 755: Novel Book 6094 (PBO, 1961)

Title: A New Kind of Orgy
Author: Con Sellers
Cover artist: "posed by professional models"

Yours for: Not for Sale—part of the Doug Peterson Collection

Novel6094

Best things about this cover:
  • No more togas and vomitoria—it's … a new kind of orgy!
  • "OK, people, we're inventing a new orgy here, so … um … First, everyone push your boobs together. OK … that's … yep, get in there … just … ouch! … OK good … alright, this is pretty hot, right? … Now … let's see … hey, wait, don't fall asleep yet, you two!"
  • "Feel all strange and squirmy" … Did she drop the pronoun 'cause she's intoxicated? Or is that a command? "I said 'Feel strange and squirmy!' FEEL IT! Don't make me shake my big, now bared bosom at you!"

OK, now for the really good part: Imagine what the author of a book like "A New Kind of Orgy" might look like. Go ahead, imagine it. I'll wait … OK, you got a clear image? Well, did it look anything like this? (warning: brace yourselves):

Novel6094bc

Best things about this back cover:
  • Con Sellers, satanic grave-robbing phys ed teacher.
  • Con Sellers, alcoholic sweater fetishist.
  • Con Sellers, collector of trinkets, smoker of weed.
  • Con Sellers, proud holder of service medals, male fiction writing medals, and other shiny things he keeps in his home dungeon basement.
  • "He's done everything from —" HA ha. Fill in the blank! Even the cover's like "Yep, whatever crazy-ass shit you can imagine, Con Sellers has Done It."
  • That smile … it stays with you … trust me.
  • Count Chocula, retiree.
  • I have never not laughed when looking at this picture. Never. Not once.

Page 123~
Mai gave him a smile. "Nothing to nobody—I know that rule, too. I just don't want you to get hurt, Pio."
"Me? Get hurt?" His laugh was high and brittle. "That ain't the way it goes, baby. It's the other guys that get hurt."
"How do you think I got my medallion collection, baby? Service to my country? [high and brittle laughter] Oh, Mai, you adorable kid, you. Go fetch me my lounging sweater. And all the weed you can carry."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Nov 042013
 
Paperback 719: Avon T-497 (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: The Fiery Furnace
Author: Lawrence Williams
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $15

AvonT497

Best things about this cover:

Alan Cumming *is* … The Fiery Furnace!
Anyone know what his "strange compulsion" is. I want it to be Barbie™collecting.
Though that is a pretty decent Floating Head, I'm gonna say this cover could use more her, less him.

AvonT497bc

Best things about this back cover:
  • Oh my god how much do I love the photo of Smirky McAscot? (a lot)
  • Do they not have obsessions in Europe? What kind of logic is that?
  • Had to look up "Sicilian knife" to see how it differed from, say, a bread knife. Seems there is a traditional Italian art of knife-fighting called "Paranza Corta," but, acc. to Wikipedia, "It is still taught by individual masters but is not organized in a format suitable for divulgation to the masses." Yes, I've always found divulgation very tricky business indeed.

Page 123~


Carla was watching him, her chin set lightly in her hand, listening proudly to her businesslike lover in his professional capacity.

I guess that's better than listening to your professional lover in his businesslike capacity. Close call.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Jun 052012
 
Paperback 535: Ballantine 466K (PBO, 1961)

Title: Things With Claws
Editors: Whit & Hallie Burnett
Cover artist: Richard Powers

Yours for: $11


BB466.Claws
Best things about this cover:
  • I like titles that could also be answers in the final round of "$100,000 Pyramid": "Cats ... bears ... uh ... handless supervillains..."
  • I am guessing that this artist is Richard Powers, only 'cause it seems so aggressively Powersy. It's like Miro and the guy who did the "Fear & Loathing" drawings had a baby in outer space. LOVE all the variations on claws in this painting.
  • They really had to break "creatures" there? Right there? Couldn't, I don't know, reformat ever-so-slightly? Kind of kills the impact.



BB466bc.Claws
Best things about this back cover:
  • Oh, the "famous" Stuart CLOETE, the "legendary" ORESTE F. Pucciani. Trust me, if these folks were truly famous, they'd be in every crossword I ever made for the rest of my life.
  • "... and females." Hence the pink.
  • See what harm / good covers can do!? "The Doll Maker" looks like the stupidest book ever, while "Zacherley's Vulture Stew" looks like the cover model for God's Own Catalogue of Awesome.

Page 123~

from "Return of the Griffins" by A. E. Sandeling

"You've been away several years," said Gunar, covering his bare feet again with shoes and socks. "What did you do in the time?"

"Took ourselves to the mountains of India," replied the griffin. "Sat in the sun, on the threshold of our calves, or caught the Arimaspi, one-eyed men who seek gold in the mountains, ate them in a shrugging fashion, already gorged with our prowess. I might ask the same question of you. What didn't you do? By Apollo! Procreated not individuals but nations. Took the lid off a water kettle, and what steams out but ships and cities. Times have changed."

So eating the Arimaspi is like eating at Chili's—"Meh. [shrug] It'll do."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Mar 242012
 
Paperback 510: Chariot Books 172 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Sinful Wife
Author: Ray Damon
Cover artist: Uncredited (back cover = photo cover)

Yours for: Not For Sale (donation from Doug Peterson)


CB172.SinfulWife
Best things about this cover:
  • "Look, Steve, I like you, but briskly rubbing my nipple with the butt of your gun is just not doing it for me."
  • I wish she were standing up so I could see her underwear better (without all the messed up perspective). It's kind of cute.
  • Is she a doctor? It looks like she just flopped back on the bed and threw open her lab coat in a fit of passion. Or dyspepsia. Her facial expression is kind of enigmatic.


CB172bc.SinWife

Best things about this back cover:
  • Here's Stella showing off the lamp that earned her a 2nd place ribbon in the "Most Ridiculous Novelty Lamp" competition at the county fair. She also received an Honorable Mention for "Biggest Damn Lampshade Anyone's Ever Seen."
  • I'm sure she's very sexy under that Grandma's-MuuMuu of a nightgown.
  • Is there anything that lamp can't do. I'm pretty sure it tells time, and possibly provides shelter for a small family. 
  • And the award for "Most Uses of the Verb 'Come' on the Back Cover of a Paperback" goes to ...

Page 123~

The gear shift was a big lever jutting up beside me with a button on top.

"I'll thank you not to talk about my penis that way," exclaimed Steve.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
Mar 112012
 
Paperback 509: Gold Medal s1110 (3rd ptg, 1961)

Title: So Wicked My Love
Author: Bruno Fischer
Cover artist: photo cover

Yours for: $10


GM1110.SoWicked
Best things about this cover:

  • I know there's a naked lady on the cover, and I do love naked ladies, but oh my god all I can think about is that awesome chair and how I want to have it right now.
  • I don't normally like photo covers all that much—I started collecting these things for the *art*, after all—but I do like the design on this one. It's like an updated "keyhole" cover—so I can feel like a modern peeping tom, with my telescope / binoculars / James Bond spying device.
  • She has double coy-hand. It's very weird. I hope those are throw pillows she's holding against her, because it kinda looks like she's clutching a dirty, gaudy bathmat.



GM1110bc.SoWicked
Best things about this back cover:

  • Ugh, nothing. Come on, Gold Medal!
  • Ah ... Cherry. Now I get the red background thingie on the cover.
  • She's pert, like a deadly cobra. You know, the rare Pert Cobra of Pensacola.
  • This isn't even good bad prose. It's just bad. Bruno Fischer deserves better!


Page 123~

She turned her head to her husband, who was pulling a crumpled pack of cigarettes out of his pants. "Frankie, honey, would you mind leaving us alone?"  
He looked at her in that blue cotton robe clinging to her flesh. "Yeah," he said, "I mind."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

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