Some folks pay a lot of money to find out this stuff. The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to any of your friends who want to write for a living.
Answers are for who you are now… not for who you were in the past. For you, there is no past.
This is (at least, it was) a real test, altered to measure writing potential. It is normally given by the Human Resources Departments at many zoos today to provide better insight into a prospective employee’s ‘unnatural interest’ in the animals. Oddly, that’s a real problem.
It’s only 10 simple questions, so keep track of your letter answers to each question, but don’t bother writing down anything. A real writer should be able to memorize the entire test. There will be a quiz…
1. When do you feel your best?
a) late at night, after the heebie jeebies pass.
b) during marathon bouts of illegal sex with the Grendal twins next door.
c) after the first 3 shots of Old Bushmiller in the morning.
e) after you’ve killed again.
2. You usually walk…
a) with a fake limp, to get sympathy.
b) whenever you miss the bus.
c) in a serpentine manner to avoid them.
d) backwards, when peeing outside.
e) casually, away from the crime scene.
3. When talking to people, you…
a) sometimes touch yourself inappropriately.
b) spit on them unintentionally.
c) spit on them intentionally.
d) try to see up their nostrils.
e) sometimes kill them.
4. When relaxing, you sit with…
a) your knees bent, head back, mouth open, just in case.
b) your legs wide apart, in very revealing shorts.
c) your legs stretched out, with an obvious tent in your pants.
d) one leg curled under you, like a big girl.
e) the corpse of your latest victim.
5. When something amuses you, you react with…
a) an unexpected release of urine.
b) a laugh, but not so loud that they notice.
c) an uncontrollable urge to hurl your own feces.
d) a controllable urge to hurl your own feces (but you do it anyway).
e) a hunger for human flesh.
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a) make a loud entrance by screaming hysterically and taking off your pants.
b) make a quiet entrance, but still take off your pants.
c) make the quietest entrance, since you weren’t invited.
d) hurl your own feces.
e) always fixate on the host/hostess, until asked to leave.
7. You’re working hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted. You…
a) immediately protect your privates.
b) stab the interrupter.
c) hurl your own feces.
d) kill and eat the interrupter.
e) vary between these four extremes.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) all colors are against you – you hate them.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going
to sleep, you are….
a) stretched out on your back, both hands protecting your privates.
b) face-down on your stomach, pretending to be a woman (or a man).
c) on your side, slightly curled, pretending to be a fetus.
d) with your head under the covers, looking at your privates with a flashlight.
e) with your ankle hooked behind your neck, trying to reach yourself.
10. You often dream you are…
a) falling into a giant toilet.
b) fighting or struggling to get out of a giant toilet.
c) searching for something or somebody in a giant toilet.
d) flying or floating in a giant toilet.
e) hurling your own feces.
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 (d) 8 (e) 60
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 32
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 60
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 (e) 60
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 0 (e) 60
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 (d) 1 (e) 60
7. (a) 6 (b) 45 (c) 4 (d) 60 (e) 27
8. (a) 45
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 60
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You’re a potential serial killer with delusions of grandeur, yet you show definite writing potential, especially in the greeting card market. You will also probably spend a lot of time incarcerated with others who fear you, but who want you sexually.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive; you’re a natural leader, who’s quick to expose himself to others. They see you as bold and adventurous, someone who will try anything once, especially if it involves small farm animals or a discreet troop of curious Girl Scouts. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. Spending time with you often involves a lot of running. Sensitive poetry should be your milieu.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s willing to get naked to be the center of attention. They also see you as exceptionally kind and considerate; someone who will help them get naked, too. Soft-core pornography is where you’ll undoubtedly shine.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical, although you have an unwholesome preoccupation with the elimination of bodily fluids. They also see you as clever, gifted or talented, but modest. You’re not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who will provide a friend a comfortable pair of stolen sneakers and a clean handkerchief for those late-night peeping sessions. You’d make an excellent screenwriter, especially in the teen romance world. That’s a hot market today.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy, very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them to learn about your scientific interest in rare animal semen or those secret and expensive trips to Jamison’s Funeral Parlor after hours. A career as a celebrity interviewer is a natural for you.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, a momma’s boy who could use a hard paddling and a slow maple syrup enema from a hairy man named Grandma. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t. You’re actually very scary. Television comedy writing should suit you nicely.
Now add up the total number of points. Then send the entire test to Dr. Phil on Channel 5 (CBS) to grade since Dr. Bob did not finish medical school, or even start, and is not even remotely a real doctor (but, then, neither is Dr. Phil) or in any way a real writer.
Jimmy Crackcorn (and I don’t care)